Waking up Alone

You would think after nearly three weeks of this, it would get a bit easier... I keep telling myself it will... But i think I am just kidding myself... Waking up alone in bed sucks.. Going to bed alone sucks even more. After years of sharing a bed with someone, you get use to certain things, like the sound of their breathing, the pressure on the bed, the movements they make.. You probably don't even notice these things until their missing and your left in a bedroom that's absent of these things and it makes all the difference in the world. Try as you might, you can't compensate for them. You can run a fan full blast for white noise but it doesn't help... You can open the window and hear the birds and cars outside, but it doesn't replace whats missing. You wake up the next morning and feel like crap, not refreshed, from your sleep and realize your back is sore from the difference in weight distribution on the bed. And then, you notice that the room loses "his" smell. It gets to the point where you can't even tell he had ever been there, besides a half empty bed and an unused pillow on his side.

A friend of mine's boyfriend left for deployment the other day and she was telling me how she is so lonely with him gone and how she took a tshirt and a pair of his pants and put them on her body pillow. I can't see myself doing this... It might work for her but for me it seems like in inadequate substitute. It can't hold you, its not going to roll over a few times a night, get up and go pee. It won't kiss you goodnight or tell you how much it loves you... It will lack the curves, the warmth and the smell that you grow so accustomed to. I just think doing such would make me long for him more...
I try to tell myself its only been three weeks.. Women do this for more than a year at a time.. I've done deployments before with my ex husband but our marriage was so off on so many levels that being "single" at that time was a blessing. Not so with this marriage. Three weeks seems like months at this point.. 5 more weeks to go until I see him again, but even then, his side of the bed will still be empty when I go to sleep that night..

I knew this was going to be how it was...I thought I was prepared for it.. but I guess I was wrong.. i don't sleep well and what sleep I get is too broken to be effective. My body hurts and I feel many years older than I am. I wake up lacking the motivation that I had, all I want to do is just sit and veg, which is not allowable when you have two lil rugrats demanding your attention..
LORD, I pray he gets a tech school that isn't too far off a drive from here so I can have the opportunity to spend even one night sleeping in his arms once again...