Today I have the honor of driving 30 miles (one way) to drop my husband off at his recruiters to begin his life as an US Airman. For the last three nights, I have had very little sleep thinking about how hard this separation is going to be on all of us. I have used those hours that normally I would be off in dreamland to instead let my husband know how much I love him and how proud I am for the decision that he has made. I know in my heart he will do well at BMT and will give it his all.
I worry that I won't be able to make it while he's gone. The extra 150 dollars a week for child care so I can continue to work worries me. My next paycheck will majorly go towards rent and my car not and his first paycheck most likely will not appear til May 15th and who knows how much it will be for. Once his money starts coming in, I'll be good but that's three weeks away. How do I keep myself and my children afloat til then. I worry that I will miss his call due to my work schedule and that I will instead have to get second hand information instead from my inlaws. I've pretty much come to the decision that I will answer my phone, even if I am in with a patient, and politely excuse myself by telling them its my husband who is away with the military. Even if he isn't deployed overseas, they don't need to know that. And if work decides to fire me for using my phone, then I guess I just stop working a few months sooner than planned. These are fears I refuse to share with him because I want his head in the game while at basic and worrying about me will not help him or me for that matter.
I dread the first night in an empty bed that I have shared with him for nearly 6 years now. We have never slept apart since deciding to live together and I have grown use to having his warm body beside me... I'll miss our late night talks that we have every night, just laying in each others arms before falling asleep and sharing the highlights of the day with each other. I picture many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering if he's doing well. I'm dreading dinner time, knowing that our family will be missing an important member for the next 3-9 months. I dread that the only interaction with adults I will have is at work...that my days off will be restricted to the conversational skills of my three and two year old.
I dread knowing I will not be able to see him while he's in tech school as much as I wish I could, but knowing that 1500 just in airfare for myself and three children for a weekend is out of my budget, not counting hotel and expenses. Or knowing that I will either have to drive to where he is or take a 56 hour train ride with the children in order to visit him for a weekend and knowing even then, visits will be few and far between.
I'm scared of the unknown. What base will we be stationed at and will housing have a huge waiting list. If so, how will we find housing prior to my loading my children to join him. I'm scared of the idea of having to find a hotel until I can find housing with three kids, a dog, and two cats. I'm scared of wondering if my horrible credit score due to my past marriage may affect him not getting security clearances needed for any job he wants.
But, I smile. Just as any military wife does. Inside I feel like I am dying... I'm temporarily losing my best friend. But I don't want him to know, again, I don't want him to worry. I'll put on my game face and pretend I am confident and count the days til this part of the journey is over.
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