A Year Gone By.. and I Still Can't Pee Alone

Totally forgot that I had a blog.. you know how it is - especially if you're a mom.. I mean, seriously, there are days I am lucky if I get a single minute to myself.. Lord knows, I don't even get to pee alone without two kids (and sometimes three cats) all crowding in the bathroom to see whats going on.. Obviously, my bathroom habits are much more entertaining than Wonder Pets, Dora and Diego combined.. Maybe I should start selling tickets?? Bath time is even more fun.. After a long day of the heathens antics, there's nothing more relaxing then drawing a hot bath...maybe some scented bubble bath...dimming the lights and lowering myself to my neck with my Kindle for an hour or so.. I deserve it, right?? My son has taken the notion that this is the time he and Mom should have a heart to heart (as much as an Autistic 6 year old can have a heart to heart.) My bathroom and his closet share a wall and so when he hears the water running, he gets read for his ambush. He climbs into his closet and it starts. "Mommy, are you taking a bath".. "Yes son, Mommy is taking a bath.. Go to bed"...."Mommy, I love you." "I Love you too hunny, no go to bed."..... a few moments pass.. "Mommy, are you taking a bath??" "Yes baby, mommy is taking a bath, go to bed".. "Okay Mommy, I go to bed, you take a bath"..No such luck.... "Mommy, you still taking a bath?".. OOOOOH, someone shoot me please...

Time flies when mom is exhausted and sleep deprived.. haha..

All the cooking, cleaning and child rearing falls pretty much solely on my back.. The cooking and child rearing is one of those things that has to be done but sometimes, the cleaning gets put off for a bit.. People come to my house to visit and they are always amazed how clean it is considering the household of rugrats but fail to understand that we start preparing the night ahead for their visit.. On a normal day (like today) one can look over what use to be beige carpet (now stained with various shades of Kool-Aid) and see the everyday living of the kids. Puzzle pieces, blocks, books and various other toys scatter the living room floor waiting for the moment one of the kids remembers the fun they had with that particular object and decides to play with it again. And it never fails, you put everything back in its place and 5 minutes later, its exactly as it was.. Add to the fact that my husbands three telescopes take up a large portion of the room. A mom's work is never done..

We've tried to start a habit of the kids picking up their toys after they are done with them...YEAH RIGHT?? This is how it normally works: Garrett finished playing with the puzzle of the map of the United States.. all together, there are 50 pieces.. So, we tell him to pick up the pieces and put them back in the box. he's done with it, right?? I mean, the pieces have been left on the floor for over an hour and he's resorted to playing on the computer.. Sure enough, my wonderful son is more than happy to pick up the pieces as told.. All 50 pieces find their way back into the box as asked.. Mom is so proud.. and then the moment is gone.. "Okay hunny, great job. Now put the puzzle back on its shelf.".. NOPE, not gonna happen.. His interest is suddenly back on the puzzle and instead he dumps the entire mass back on the floor to once again assemble.. And again, once he is done, they will sit another 2 hours on the floor, until the kids go to bed and Mom picks them up and puts them on the shelf, only to begin the cycle again the next day..


I suspect that grey hairs are in my near future.. The oldest Princess of the household will be finishing 8th grade next week and will officially be a high schooler.. Now, I don't mean to toot my own horn but I gotta admit, I make some great looking offspring.. the younger princess is only 5 and will officially be starting Kindergarten next year so I have some years to worry about her, but the oldest has turned into quite the young woman.. I have a feeling sometime over the course of the summer,  I will be obtaining a couple of shotguns and a backhoe.. There's plenty of desert expanse to hide the bodies of the young boys who will be knocking on our door thinking they will be taking our daughter out..  the rule is she will be 16 before she can date..God still smiles down on me that she doesn't seem too interested in boys just yet, that anime and music videos seem to be the main focus in her life at this moment.
The final Princess is going through her obstinate phase at the moment. Terrible twos my butt.. I would take the twos and the threes anyday over the "Ferocious Fives"... Meal times are a battle... While my son loves healthy foods (and tends to snack on fruit and carrots rather than junk) my daughter will have nothing to do with anything that might have one single nutrient in it.. Fruits and veggies are the enemy. I have to wonder about this - I mean, what about a strawberry or a clementine makes my daughter clamp her mouth shut as if it contains a secret biological weapon set on her death. How is apple sauce safe but the actual red shiny fruit the stuff nightmares are made of. When did the Pear make a deal with the government and become the latest from of torture? . At one point, we tried to go vegan, or at least vegetarian.. We figured that if there were no other choices, the kids would get hungry enough and spoon something healthy down their gullets... After a week of watching her dinner plate remain untouched, we threw that idea to the wayside. Anyone who says kids will eat anything when they get hungry enough obviously never met my daughter. I know that if she ever were to become a POW, withholding food would NOT be her downfall.. Take away her Wonder Pets or tell her she cannot watch mom make a trip to the bathroom would dissolve her to tears.
AHHHHH.. Just another day in the Prince Kingdom..

Starting a School Year

So it has been forever since I have posted anything on this blog.. I guess most people gave up on me.  Lets see how long I last this time before the demands of real life take over and pull me away again. The biggest event right now in our kingdom is the start of a new school year.. This year all three kids have started school - Alyssa starting 8th grade and the two little ones have began Kindergarten. While Alyssa continues to attend the public middle school, I have taken upon myself the task of teaching the babies myself. This was a decision that had already started demanding alot of thought and prayer but ultimately the decision was made for me. The fact that Garrett would not be able to fit into a regular classroom meant that he would have to attend special ed. Unfortunately, the school doesn't offer it and he would have had to have been bussed to a "nearby" school nearly 45 minutes away. Instead, I decided I would teach him myself and so as of Monday both Garrett and Ashleigh started Kindergarten.... Figuring out a curriculum that would serve both to educate the kids to my satisfaction as well as meet the core standards for the state of California that didn't bankrupt me proved to me a challenge. We decided on doing both Readingeggs.com's phonics curriculum and Sonlight's curriculum for english, Saxton for Math, and Apologia Science's Astronomy and Zoology 1 (Flying animals) for Science. I'll also fill in the gaps for Social studies and Science on my own with units regarding different cultures and well as health. Part of me thinks I have bit of a much bigger bite then I can handle, especially with Garrett, but then I think that if anyone understands my son it's me... If anyone can find the key to unlocking him, its going to be me.. We started this journey on Monday.. Getting Garrett to do anything has been a real challenge.. He asks for crayons yet he won't color anything I supply.. instead he would rather scribble on a cardboard box.. I supply simple math and number handouts, he refuses to do them without a fight.. He won't answer when a number is pointed out (basic numbers like 1 or 2).. I really REALLY questioned if I had made a HUGE mistake... Until he started playing with coke cans... Being in California, we recycle the cans.. and so there's almost always cans on the counter waiting to be crushed and put in the bag.. Garrett has a fascination with crushing them.. So, we turned it into a game.. before I knew it, we were counting cans and doing simple math.. and he was getting it.. Today was a bit hard.. he would not concentrate on anything at all.. wouldn't color, wouldn't do computer work.. This weekend, I am going to sit down and actually structure something for him - if he refuses to do worksheets and coloring, we will play counting games instead.. 

The Dust Has Settled

It's another beautiful day in southern California as I sit here enjoying what bit of peace I can prior to everyone getting up. Surprisingly, its quiet so far, the birds are chirping outside and as of yet, I have heard no signs of impending "sonic booms". I have been here over 2 months now and they still scare the absolute crap out of me. Michigan was quiet, the loudest sound I heard from my apartment was the garbage truck in the early morning hours - the "beep, beep, beep" it makes when it backs up.. Here, the aircraft seem to have an agenda - to fly over at supersonic sounds just as they pass over my home, the percussion of breaking the sound barrier rattling my windows and causing my heart to jump in my chest a few times a day. Welcome to Air Force life, I guess.

Most of the boxes are finally unpacked and the house is somewhat organized. Its amazing to remember how cluttered my old apartment was and then look around this house and realize the difference. The apartment, being 850sf, seemed as if things were shoved everywhere. Here, with the same amount of stuff, looks so empty. The living room set which seemed to fill so much room in Michigan just barely fills half the living room here. This can be dangerous as each time I look to my left and see the empty area I want to go and buy furniture to fill it. Maybe once I start actually decorating and the walls aren't so gleaming white, it will look different.

But at least the dust has settled on this cross country move. Our lives have begun to fit into a routine. Alyssa has finished her 6th grade year and has been out of school for almost a week, and already I have heard "I'm Bored!!!" more times then I care to recall.. Garrett and Ashleigh have picked up the pieces as if we never left Michigan, falling into their same patterns of play as if its just another day to them. Even the cat has settled back into her old routine, jumping on my lap demanding affection at the most inopportune times. Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who has noticed the change in venue - trading sand for dust and stucco for an apartment building. Maybe its the fact the carpet is the same dull beige color that has everyone else falling into the same lull... Maybe its the pine trees outside the window that seems to make everyone else think that things really haven't changed all that much. Or maybe, just maybe, it truly is correct when one says "home is where the heart is"..

California Living

As I look out the window of my new 3 bedroom home at a perfectly blue clear sky and temperatures in the high 60's, I'm struck by just how much everything has changed in just a matter of a couple of weeks. The kids now have a huge back yard to play in, we have a beautiful front yard we can decorate, great neighbors who already have invited us over a few times, and a clean slate to work with on rebuilding our lives together. My new home has had an influx of Airmen who come and go trying to score a free meal because they have heard that "Prince's Wife" is a hell of a cook.... Laughter has been a constant and there's almost always something going on, whether its the guys playing video games, or everyone sitting around playing a round of whatever board game we are in the mood for that night (Monopoly anyone?) Life is good...

While our base is out in the middle of nowhere, we are finding there is plenty to be had in the immediate vicinity. There's plenty of programs on base for both the babies and for Alyssa. Alyssa will even be attending her first dance this coming weekend for Mardi Gras. Thirty miles up the road are plenty of nice restaurants that we scoped out this past weekend and are already making plans for date nights in the future. And of course, I get to see my husband dressed in ABU's every morning, which is beyond awesome. I do believe I can get use to this.

On the downside, there's already talk of deployments in the future. I hate talking about it, as I just got my husband back after a full year of being away and the thought of him being gone again is depressing.... I guess we can cross that bridge when we get to it. Also, as I unpack things that the movers packed, I'm finding that I really wish they had packed our goods with a bit more care. Several things are broke, including a few pieces of furniture. Luckily they will replace items (which means I get a new entertainment center) but finding that they broke my fireplace that I had just bought over Christmas was upsetting. So far I have found about 5 things damaged.

But all in all, I see this move as a good thing. Good friends, a nice home, a nice location. The view outside my backyard of the Sierra Nevada's is breathtaking and I look forward to buying a BBQ pit and doing entertaining outside this summer. So for all that are starting a new life, good luck, and make the most of it :)

Updates

So its been some time since I’ve updated things on here. Charles had graduated from BMT and has moved on to prepare to start tech school. Currently he’s at Keesler AFB where he will start school on July 26th. After 8 weeks of that, he will move on to Sheppard AFB for lord knows how long.
AF Graduation was definitely an experience.  Back in 1998 I attended my ex husbands Basic Training graduation at Fort Jackson. The Army has nothing on the AF when it comes to graduation. I think of all the events, the coin ceremony was probably one of my favorites. Seeing my husband be awarded his coin and to see the emotions that he felt moved me. The Graduation itself was much like what the Army did  but the coin ceremony was a treat.  Spending time with Charles after 8.5 weeks was the highlight of the trip. Walking around San Antonio with my husband looking proud in his uniform and seeing the changes in him made being his wife that much sweeter.
So now I prepare for the next chapter in my life. While he starts school, I begin looking to trying to move into the vicinity of Keesler so that our family can be closer. The idea of months without my husband terrifies me, and I really don’t want to put our marriage through a long separation if not necessary.  For the last 6 years we have always been together. BMT was the first time in those years that we have not shared a bed together. I hate being away from him and figure moving there with the kids is a small sacrifice compared to what he has given up. I don’t want him to miss out on a year of our lives together if we do not have to.

The Picasso of Poop

Why is it that young children and the extreme elderly like to play with their poop? What about poop makes one think "Hey, that would look good on the wall"? One would think the smell alone would deter one for placing their hands down there, much less going back for seconds and thirds. But, no, such is not the case.

My kids seem to have this fascination with covering their bedroom walls in poop. Twice this week, I have opened their bedroom door to find one of them (usually Garrett) naked as a jaybird, dirty diaper discarded on the floor, and poop smeared on the walls. Each time both kids have poop on their hands, under their fingernails, sometimes in their hair. Mom then spends 20 minute giving them a bath and another 30 minutes cleaning the walls. The artwork leaves alot to be desired. I guess its hard to paint breathtaking scenic images or a inspiring still life with only one color to work with.... Nope, usually the smears on the wall resemble a brown tumbleweed floating in a sea of white.

I've tried to deter my lil poop Picasso's. A roll of duct tape stands ready for our nighttime diaper changes. This usually keeps Ash's diaper on securely but there are nights where Garrett is able to pull the tape off. We've tried onsies on backwards and that doesn't work.. its too warm now to put the blanket pajamas on backwards with the feet cut off.. I'm about ready to make suspenders out of the ducktape and just strap the diapers on that way..

Any sugggestions on how to curb the artistic impulses of these two? lol

The Drama Continues

So, DH's parents called me last night.. This is the first time they have called beyond zero week since he's been gone and I thought something was up. Well, they didn't disappoint me, that's for certain.
I spent the first half the conversation telling them the recent updates on Charles. His mom sounded somewhat interested. About 20 minutes into the conversation, I said I needed to go because the kids were getting cranky.. She says "before you go, I want to ask you something."
So, i spent another 20 minutes (with Ash crying in the background) listening to her trying to give me a guilt trip. SHe kept saying how they wanted to go to DH's graduation and feel horrible for telling him they would go when they can't. Turns out, the Aunt that they have been living with for the past year (rent free mind you) wants them out and they need to find another place to stay. They called another relative, they said outright no. So they tried yet another relative but when they heard the request, they said they would think about it and now won't answer the phone or return calls. (Sounds like a no to me). So, she keeps going on and on to me about how She knows Charles is going to be so disappointed that they aren't going to be able to go because they have to find someplace to live, and if the could only move in somewhere with relatives, they could go and he wouldn't be disappointed. She even tried to say that she thought he would be SOO disappointed that he would flunk out of basic because he would lose sight of why he was there since they couldn't go. As said, major guilt trip.

BUT I stuck to my guns. I never offered my home. I told them that I was buying a copy of the DVD of graduation and would be happy to send a copy of the pictures as well as a copy of the dVD to them. I said that I was sure Charles would be fine - after all, he's a 24 year old man - not a 5 year old who just found out that he's not going to get to go to the zoo..
I mean, even if they were good people who didn't use or manipulate others, it wouldn't be possible. He graduates the end of next month and then he has a little over 3 months for tech school (1 month at Keesler and then 74 days at Vandenberg) and then I'm leaving my apartment and moving on base. Where would they do then, without any job, anywhere to live, ect.. But after the way they treated me last time they came to my home, i just don't need that type of stress in my life.. No thanks. Im already worried enough about Charles making it through BMT. Then, they would hog all my phone time with him, which would be yet another issue.. and I can't stand the brother.. OMG!!

I guess for now, I just sit back and home they don't just show up on my doorstep between now and October.

Family Dramas

It seems since my husband left for BMT, life has tossed many different situations in my direction... I hired a babysitter who took terrible care of my children and thought I was going to have to quit my job because of it... My computer took a crap on me... My son completely destroyed his toddler bed that was less than 2 weeks old... My ATM card to access my husbands pay never showed up and I'm left unable to access money desperately needed. Rent was not able to get paid til it was 15 days late. The bow was tied neatly for a few of these things, rent did get paid, albeit late. I hired a new babysitter who seems to be working out great and so i didn't have to quit my job. The toddler bed is still destroyed and the kids are sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but a new indestructible (i hope) bed will be on the way this week... The bank says they are sending another ATM card but until then I was able to transfer some of the funds from his account to my own to have access to them. I bought a cheap netbook to be able to do my bills and such online.. So many disasters to deal with but they were dealt with and my sanity kept.. But not everything is so easy.

Yesterday my inlaws informed me that they will probably not be going to my husbands BMT graduation. Before he left, he told them how much he wanted them there and they assured him they would be, no matter what. They said money wasn't an issue, they had plenty, but to make it easier on them, I even offered to pay their hotel expenses, leaving them only with the bill for gas to get there and the food they eat. Last night they said that they couldn't afford the gas to get from NC to Texas but if I would pay for their expenses, they would still go.

If I honestly believed they couldn't afford it, I would probably gladly pay their way, even though doing so would financially strap me. I'm already paying for a rental car as my van does not have AC and last time I went to Texas my daughter suffered from hypothermia and almost died outside of Lufkin in 110 degree heat. I also have to pay for the gas to get down there and food expenses for not just myself but three children and my husband when he is in my possession. And lets not forget not one but two hotel rooms. Saving money for this trip on my side is hard enough when I'm paying nearly 400 bucks out of my paycheck every two weeks for babysitting, an expense I did not have before he left, on top of utilities, car payment, car insurance, and basic provisionals and such. But my inlaws currently live with family, so they have no bills to pay and are bringing in almost as much as me a month due to Social Security and medical retirement. So how they can expect me to pay for them and their 17 year old son to me seems a bit insensitive.

I should have expected this however. My father in law feels he is entitled to things. Those of us who have more or make more than he does, he feels the need to belittle or degrade in order to make himself look better. He expressed to my husband that he felt I made too much money for the job I do because it did not involve manual labor. Rather than being happy for his son that he had married a woman who was educated and successful in her career, he was pissed that I made more money than he did. He took advantage of the fact I made a nice paycheck. They came and stayed with me for 2 weeks here in Michigan two summers ago. The entire time they were here, they didn't help pay their food expenses and when I was trying to feed 8 people with one paycheck, he complained about what I was fixing for dinner. ("Spaghetti? What the fuck are we, vegetarians now?") Then one morning they left while I was at work and my husband was asleep, leaving their 16 year old son behind. They did not return for him for an entire year, and during that time, they did not send any money for his expenses. So these are the types of people my inlaws are. And it doesn't extend to just me - they have been hateful to their son in the past. When we couldn't afford to pay for minutes on our cell phone, his dad turned around and left a voice mail telling my husband to "Get a fucking life and get a fucking job". Most recently, they have yet to send a letter to my husband in BMT when they said they would write. He has received daily letters from me and several from both my mother and father, but none from his parents. When I talked to them last, I asked if they had written to him. His dad's answer was "I don't like to write, I'd rather just talk to him on the phone"..

Now my conundrum is the fact of how to tell my husband his parents aren't going. I know this news will be hurtful to him... he hoped that they would share with him in such a momentous point in his life. Do i wait until I see him and Graduation and tell him then or do I let him know ahead of time? I'm torn... if i tell him now, he'll be upset and his head won't be in the game at BMT but at least he'll be able to work through the disappointment before graduation. If he finds out on Thursday before he graduates, will it take away some of the pride in graduating the next day?

Sometimes I wish I was on a tv series. At least in a span of 30 to 60 minutes, all the pieces would fit together and that pretty bow would wrap it all up for me.

Waking up Alone

You would think after nearly three weeks of this, it would get a bit easier... I keep telling myself it will... But i think I am just kidding myself... Waking up alone in bed sucks.. Going to bed alone sucks even more. After years of sharing a bed with someone, you get use to certain things, like the sound of their breathing, the pressure on the bed, the movements they make.. You probably don't even notice these things until their missing and your left in a bedroom that's absent of these things and it makes all the difference in the world. Try as you might, you can't compensate for them. You can run a fan full blast for white noise but it doesn't help... You can open the window and hear the birds and cars outside, but it doesn't replace whats missing. You wake up the next morning and feel like crap, not refreshed, from your sleep and realize your back is sore from the difference in weight distribution on the bed. And then, you notice that the room loses "his" smell. It gets to the point where you can't even tell he had ever been there, besides a half empty bed and an unused pillow on his side.

A friend of mine's boyfriend left for deployment the other day and she was telling me how she is so lonely with him gone and how she took a tshirt and a pair of his pants and put them on her body pillow. I can't see myself doing this... It might work for her but for me it seems like in inadequate substitute. It can't hold you, its not going to roll over a few times a night, get up and go pee. It won't kiss you goodnight or tell you how much it loves you... It will lack the curves, the warmth and the smell that you grow so accustomed to. I just think doing such would make me long for him more...
I try to tell myself its only been three weeks.. Women do this for more than a year at a time.. I've done deployments before with my ex husband but our marriage was so off on so many levels that being "single" at that time was a blessing. Not so with this marriage. Three weeks seems like months at this point.. 5 more weeks to go until I see him again, but even then, his side of the bed will still be empty when I go to sleep that night..

I knew this was going to be how it was...I thought I was prepared for it.. but I guess I was wrong.. i don't sleep well and what sleep I get is too broken to be effective. My body hurts and I feel many years older than I am. I wake up lacking the motivation that I had, all I want to do is just sit and veg, which is not allowable when you have two lil rugrats demanding your attention..
LORD, I pray he gets a tech school that isn't too far off a drive from here so I can have the opportunity to spend even one night sleeping in his arms once again...

Hippity Hop down the Bloggy Trail

Okay, I'm joining in with a blog hop, hoping to get a few more readers to this dismal blog.. haha.. Anyone want to join up with me?

So for those coming here for the first time here's a brief bio on me.. I'm Brenda, married to Charles who is currently one of the newest recruits to the Air Force.. he's currently at Lackland while I'm hoping playing single mom to two rugrats. I work full time as a respiratory therapist at a little community hospital in Michigan. However, I'm not from here.. I'm a Texan born and bred (well not born.. was a Marine brat and was born on Pendleton.. haha but got here as quick as I could.)..we moved up here after the hurricane :)
This blog is basically just my day to day life as I start a new adventure as an Air Force wife.

Planning for Charlie's Graduation

So, I've been thinking of ways to make Charlie's graduation from the Air Force special...One of the ideas I came up with is to make custom shirts for each of us to wear to his Airman's run. I got the idea originally from one of the wives of a pilot in my ex's unit... Once year for the unit's Christmas party, each member of the family wore a shirt that said "John's Flight Crew". They had gone a bit over the top as it was a family containing the wife and 5 girls.. so the shirts had red marabou on the collar.. But it got me thinking that maybe we could do something along the same lines. So, i got my big butt over to cafe press and designed something i found acceptable. I decided on red lettering because he's in the 320th Training squadron and they will be wearing red shirts during the run.. Here's what I came up with - tell me what you think :)

First letter from BMT

Well, I received my first letter from Charles at BMT... Its so wonderful to see his writing and to hold something that I know he has touched over the past week... I guess it's pretty desperate when you get to that point.. haha Everyone told me it was such a great feeling to receive the post card with the address on it, but I never received that so this letter was the first thing I've received that really cemented in my mind that he's actually at BMT besides an empty bed.

Its hard to read his words when I know he's feeling so defeated. I expected that to some point, but its still hard. Charlie has always been so jovial and childlike, qualities that I absolutely love about him... So hearing him sound defeated, both in the phone call I received Monday and then in his first letter is heart wrenching. I know things will get better for him though and I know its all a process... I keep telling myself that he'll make it, he'll be that much better for it, and that things will be good for him. But when I read him write things like "I have lost sight of my main goals" it kills me.

Well, D day has come and went - Charlie shipped off this afternoon to San Antonio to start his 8.5 weeks of BMT. I'm a bit better than I thought I would be, but then again, I saw him both yesterday before he went to MEPS and then I saw him this morning to watch him swear in. Tomorrow, as Scarlett O'hara said, is another day.

My mind is still filled with anxiety as to what the next couple of months hold. I'm still not able to sleep well and I'm finding myself highly irritated easily due to it. I have a feeling tonight I will collapse from total exhaustion and will sleep like a rock. At least, that's my hope.
I made the hour and a half drive to Lansing this morning to be there to send him off. As we have no family up here, I knew that if I didn't go he would have nobody there for him. It's a decision that I do not regret, even if it meant fussy babies who woke up way to early this morning. I watched my husband swear to the oath to protect this country and saw how proud he stood doing so. I took pictures of him for his scrapbook that I will begin while he is away...Its a gift I want to give to him after he completes both basic and tech school... I was able to get a final kiss farewell, short but well worth it... I cried as I watched as my husband take his final walk and load up on the bus for the airport and knew that it wasn't goodbye but a hello to a new future for our family... I guess 8.5 weeks is a small price to pay for him to have the opportunity to follow his dreams instead of sitting day in and day out as a live in babysitter. He was starting to get cabin fever and was ready to start his career.
I miss him already but I am proud of this decision he had made....He is now officially my Airman, part of something much bigger than our family... Next time I see him, I know that he'll stand even prouder than he did today, his head held high due to the accomplishments he will achieve these next few weeks. We have officially crossed into the blue - here's hoping I see some silver linings while we're there :)


Goodbye my love.. Kick ass, take names, and I'll see you in June. I love you.

And so the journey begins

Today I have the honor of driving 30 miles (one way) to drop my husband off at his recruiters to begin his life as an US Airman. For the last three nights, I have had very little sleep thinking about how hard this separation is going to be on all of us. I have used those hours that normally I would be off in dreamland to instead let my husband know how much I love him and how proud I am for the decision that he has made. I know in my heart he will do well at BMT and will give it his all.

I worry that I won't be able to make it while he's gone. The extra 150 dollars a week for child care so I can continue to work worries me. My next paycheck will majorly go towards rent and my car not and his first paycheck most likely will not appear til May 15th and who knows how much it will be for. Once his money starts coming in, I'll be good but that's three weeks away. How do I keep myself and my children afloat til then. I worry that I will miss his call due to my work schedule and that I will instead have to get second hand information instead from my inlaws. I've pretty much come to the decision that I will answer my phone, even if I am in with a patient, and politely excuse myself by telling them its my husband who is away with the military. Even if he isn't deployed overseas, they don't need to know that. And if work decides to fire me for using my phone, then I guess I just stop working a few months sooner than planned. These are fears I refuse to share with him because I want his head in the game while at basic and worrying about me will not help him or me for that matter.

I dread the first night in an empty bed that I have shared with him for nearly 6 years now. We have never slept apart since deciding to live together and I have grown use to having his warm body beside me... I'll miss our late night talks that we have every night, just laying in each others arms before falling asleep and sharing the highlights of the day with each other. I picture many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering if he's doing well. I'm dreading dinner time, knowing that our family will be missing an important member for the next 3-9 months. I dread that the only interaction with adults I will have is at work...that my days off will be restricted to the conversational skills of my three and two year old.

I dread knowing I will not be able to see him while he's in tech school as much as I wish I could, but knowing that 1500 just in airfare for myself and three children for a weekend is out of my budget, not counting hotel and expenses. Or knowing that I will either have to drive to where he is or take a 56 hour train ride with the children in order to visit him for a weekend and knowing even then, visits will be few and far between.

I'm scared of the unknown. What base will we be stationed at and will housing have a huge waiting list. If so, how will we find housing prior to my loading my children to join him. I'm scared of the idea of having to find a hotel until I can find housing with three kids, a dog, and two cats. I'm scared of wondering if my horrible credit score due to my past marriage may affect him not getting security clearances needed for any job he wants.

But, I smile. Just as any military wife does. Inside I feel like I am dying... I'm temporarily losing my best friend. But I don't want him to know, again, I don't want him to worry. I'll put on my game face and pretend I am confident and count the days til this part of the journey is over.

Feel The Burn...

With less than a month go to before hubby is off to Basic training with the Air Force, I decided it was time for me to get my hiney in gear and get in shape as well. I mean, he's going to be getting nice and fit in San Antonio and I don't want to look like a shapeless blob beside him once he's gone.. Plus, I figure if i start now, by the time he's done and I go see him graduate, I'm gonna be alot lighter and alot more toned then I am now - so it will make for a good surprise.. So, I started doing the 30 day Shred with Jullian Michaels. I didn't realize how intense this workout was - I mean, she does workout videos for people who are 400 lbs + through the Biggest Loser. So I figured my fat butt could handle it.. OMG was I wrong.. The first few days kicked my ass.. But, I started realizing I was getting muscles in areas I never had before.. My arms and shoulders are starting to get a bit of definition in them, my calves are starting to develop a really nice heart shape.. I'm feeling great.

The funny thing is, after years of being inactive, I'm wondering why I never did this before now. Much of the misery in my first marriage was listening to my ex tell me how much my body disgusted him.. Even to the point he once told me "I love you but if you get much bigger I'm going to have to find someone else to have sex with because you don't turn me on anymore". I was so depressed with myself that I did nothing about it.. I indeed put on more weight from the time he said that til the time we were divorced (I ended up getting up to about 250 lbs). We divorced and I found a much better guy who loved me the way I was.. 60 lbs lighter, I still have a long way to go, but hey, I'm working on it.

So, I ordered the workout program P90X.. I'm probably out of my mind, I am sure.. I am almost positive its going to completely kick my ass in ways I never imagined.. But I am determined. And I think I am addicted.. Every time I look at the muscle tone I am starting to build, I want to work even harder.. I find myself looking forward to my next workout.. I find myself craving the burn that I feel when I push my muscles just a bit more than I did the last time.. It's an awesome feeling.

Most of all, I'm looking forward to going to my hubby's graduation and not worrying about the guys in his flight looking at me and wondering why the heck my hubby would be with me... but even more than that, I'm looking forward to going to pick up my daughter from my ex (we have shared custody) and watching his jaw drop when I'm down to a size 7 jean.. lol

To everyone reading this, Hope you have a wonderful Easter.. and to those working out - feel the burn :)