Family Dramas

It seems since my husband left for BMT, life has tossed many different situations in my direction... I hired a babysitter who took terrible care of my children and thought I was going to have to quit my job because of it... My computer took a crap on me... My son completely destroyed his toddler bed that was less than 2 weeks old... My ATM card to access my husbands pay never showed up and I'm left unable to access money desperately needed. Rent was not able to get paid til it was 15 days late. The bow was tied neatly for a few of these things, rent did get paid, albeit late. I hired a new babysitter who seems to be working out great and so i didn't have to quit my job. The toddler bed is still destroyed and the kids are sleeping on a mattress on the floor, but a new indestructible (i hope) bed will be on the way this week... The bank says they are sending another ATM card but until then I was able to transfer some of the funds from his account to my own to have access to them. I bought a cheap netbook to be able to do my bills and such online.. So many disasters to deal with but they were dealt with and my sanity kept.. But not everything is so easy.

Yesterday my inlaws informed me that they will probably not be going to my husbands BMT graduation. Before he left, he told them how much he wanted them there and they assured him they would be, no matter what. They said money wasn't an issue, they had plenty, but to make it easier on them, I even offered to pay their hotel expenses, leaving them only with the bill for gas to get there and the food they eat. Last night they said that they couldn't afford the gas to get from NC to Texas but if I would pay for their expenses, they would still go.

If I honestly believed they couldn't afford it, I would probably gladly pay their way, even though doing so would financially strap me. I'm already paying for a rental car as my van does not have AC and last time I went to Texas my daughter suffered from hypothermia and almost died outside of Lufkin in 110 degree heat. I also have to pay for the gas to get down there and food expenses for not just myself but three children and my husband when he is in my possession. And lets not forget not one but two hotel rooms. Saving money for this trip on my side is hard enough when I'm paying nearly 400 bucks out of my paycheck every two weeks for babysitting, an expense I did not have before he left, on top of utilities, car payment, car insurance, and basic provisionals and such. But my inlaws currently live with family, so they have no bills to pay and are bringing in almost as much as me a month due to Social Security and medical retirement. So how they can expect me to pay for them and their 17 year old son to me seems a bit insensitive.

I should have expected this however. My father in law feels he is entitled to things. Those of us who have more or make more than he does, he feels the need to belittle or degrade in order to make himself look better. He expressed to my husband that he felt I made too much money for the job I do because it did not involve manual labor. Rather than being happy for his son that he had married a woman who was educated and successful in her career, he was pissed that I made more money than he did. He took advantage of the fact I made a nice paycheck. They came and stayed with me for 2 weeks here in Michigan two summers ago. The entire time they were here, they didn't help pay their food expenses and when I was trying to feed 8 people with one paycheck, he complained about what I was fixing for dinner. ("Spaghetti? What the fuck are we, vegetarians now?") Then one morning they left while I was at work and my husband was asleep, leaving their 16 year old son behind. They did not return for him for an entire year, and during that time, they did not send any money for his expenses. So these are the types of people my inlaws are. And it doesn't extend to just me - they have been hateful to their son in the past. When we couldn't afford to pay for minutes on our cell phone, his dad turned around and left a voice mail telling my husband to "Get a fucking life and get a fucking job". Most recently, they have yet to send a letter to my husband in BMT when they said they would write. He has received daily letters from me and several from both my mother and father, but none from his parents. When I talked to them last, I asked if they had written to him. His dad's answer was "I don't like to write, I'd rather just talk to him on the phone"..

Now my conundrum is the fact of how to tell my husband his parents aren't going. I know this news will be hurtful to him... he hoped that they would share with him in such a momentous point in his life. Do i wait until I see him and Graduation and tell him then or do I let him know ahead of time? I'm torn... if i tell him now, he'll be upset and his head won't be in the game at BMT but at least he'll be able to work through the disappointment before graduation. If he finds out on Thursday before he graduates, will it take away some of the pride in graduating the next day?

Sometimes I wish I was on a tv series. At least in a span of 30 to 60 minutes, all the pieces would fit together and that pretty bow would wrap it all up for me.

Waking up Alone

You would think after nearly three weeks of this, it would get a bit easier... I keep telling myself it will... But i think I am just kidding myself... Waking up alone in bed sucks.. Going to bed alone sucks even more. After years of sharing a bed with someone, you get use to certain things, like the sound of their breathing, the pressure on the bed, the movements they make.. You probably don't even notice these things until their missing and your left in a bedroom that's absent of these things and it makes all the difference in the world. Try as you might, you can't compensate for them. You can run a fan full blast for white noise but it doesn't help... You can open the window and hear the birds and cars outside, but it doesn't replace whats missing. You wake up the next morning and feel like crap, not refreshed, from your sleep and realize your back is sore from the difference in weight distribution on the bed. And then, you notice that the room loses "his" smell. It gets to the point where you can't even tell he had ever been there, besides a half empty bed and an unused pillow on his side.

A friend of mine's boyfriend left for deployment the other day and she was telling me how she is so lonely with him gone and how she took a tshirt and a pair of his pants and put them on her body pillow. I can't see myself doing this... It might work for her but for me it seems like in inadequate substitute. It can't hold you, its not going to roll over a few times a night, get up and go pee. It won't kiss you goodnight or tell you how much it loves you... It will lack the curves, the warmth and the smell that you grow so accustomed to. I just think doing such would make me long for him more...
I try to tell myself its only been three weeks.. Women do this for more than a year at a time.. I've done deployments before with my ex husband but our marriage was so off on so many levels that being "single" at that time was a blessing. Not so with this marriage. Three weeks seems like months at this point.. 5 more weeks to go until I see him again, but even then, his side of the bed will still be empty when I go to sleep that night..

I knew this was going to be how it was...I thought I was prepared for it.. but I guess I was wrong.. i don't sleep well and what sleep I get is too broken to be effective. My body hurts and I feel many years older than I am. I wake up lacking the motivation that I had, all I want to do is just sit and veg, which is not allowable when you have two lil rugrats demanding your attention..
LORD, I pray he gets a tech school that isn't too far off a drive from here so I can have the opportunity to spend even one night sleeping in his arms once again...

Hippity Hop down the Bloggy Trail

Okay, I'm joining in with a blog hop, hoping to get a few more readers to this dismal blog.. haha.. Anyone want to join up with me?

So for those coming here for the first time here's a brief bio on me.. I'm Brenda, married to Charles who is currently one of the newest recruits to the Air Force.. he's currently at Lackland while I'm hoping playing single mom to two rugrats. I work full time as a respiratory therapist at a little community hospital in Michigan. However, I'm not from here.. I'm a Texan born and bred (well not born.. was a Marine brat and was born on Pendleton.. haha but got here as quick as I could.)..we moved up here after the hurricane :)
This blog is basically just my day to day life as I start a new adventure as an Air Force wife.

Planning for Charlie's Graduation

So, I've been thinking of ways to make Charlie's graduation from the Air Force special...One of the ideas I came up with is to make custom shirts for each of us to wear to his Airman's run. I got the idea originally from one of the wives of a pilot in my ex's unit... Once year for the unit's Christmas party, each member of the family wore a shirt that said "John's Flight Crew". They had gone a bit over the top as it was a family containing the wife and 5 girls.. so the shirts had red marabou on the collar.. But it got me thinking that maybe we could do something along the same lines. So, i got my big butt over to cafe press and designed something i found acceptable. I decided on red lettering because he's in the 320th Training squadron and they will be wearing red shirts during the run.. Here's what I came up with - tell me what you think :)

First letter from BMT

Well, I received my first letter from Charles at BMT... Its so wonderful to see his writing and to hold something that I know he has touched over the past week... I guess it's pretty desperate when you get to that point.. haha Everyone told me it was such a great feeling to receive the post card with the address on it, but I never received that so this letter was the first thing I've received that really cemented in my mind that he's actually at BMT besides an empty bed.

Its hard to read his words when I know he's feeling so defeated. I expected that to some point, but its still hard. Charlie has always been so jovial and childlike, qualities that I absolutely love about him... So hearing him sound defeated, both in the phone call I received Monday and then in his first letter is heart wrenching. I know things will get better for him though and I know its all a process... I keep telling myself that he'll make it, he'll be that much better for it, and that things will be good for him. But when I read him write things like "I have lost sight of my main goals" it kills me.

Well, D day has come and went - Charlie shipped off this afternoon to San Antonio to start his 8.5 weeks of BMT. I'm a bit better than I thought I would be, but then again, I saw him both yesterday before he went to MEPS and then I saw him this morning to watch him swear in. Tomorrow, as Scarlett O'hara said, is another day.

My mind is still filled with anxiety as to what the next couple of months hold. I'm still not able to sleep well and I'm finding myself highly irritated easily due to it. I have a feeling tonight I will collapse from total exhaustion and will sleep like a rock. At least, that's my hope.
I made the hour and a half drive to Lansing this morning to be there to send him off. As we have no family up here, I knew that if I didn't go he would have nobody there for him. It's a decision that I do not regret, even if it meant fussy babies who woke up way to early this morning. I watched my husband swear to the oath to protect this country and saw how proud he stood doing so. I took pictures of him for his scrapbook that I will begin while he is away...Its a gift I want to give to him after he completes both basic and tech school... I was able to get a final kiss farewell, short but well worth it... I cried as I watched as my husband take his final walk and load up on the bus for the airport and knew that it wasn't goodbye but a hello to a new future for our family... I guess 8.5 weeks is a small price to pay for him to have the opportunity to follow his dreams instead of sitting day in and day out as a live in babysitter. He was starting to get cabin fever and was ready to start his career.
I miss him already but I am proud of this decision he had made....He is now officially my Airman, part of something much bigger than our family... Next time I see him, I know that he'll stand even prouder than he did today, his head held high due to the accomplishments he will achieve these next few weeks. We have officially crossed into the blue - here's hoping I see some silver linings while we're there :)


Goodbye my love.. Kick ass, take names, and I'll see you in June. I love you.

And so the journey begins

Today I have the honor of driving 30 miles (one way) to drop my husband off at his recruiters to begin his life as an US Airman. For the last three nights, I have had very little sleep thinking about how hard this separation is going to be on all of us. I have used those hours that normally I would be off in dreamland to instead let my husband know how much I love him and how proud I am for the decision that he has made. I know in my heart he will do well at BMT and will give it his all.

I worry that I won't be able to make it while he's gone. The extra 150 dollars a week for child care so I can continue to work worries me. My next paycheck will majorly go towards rent and my car not and his first paycheck most likely will not appear til May 15th and who knows how much it will be for. Once his money starts coming in, I'll be good but that's three weeks away. How do I keep myself and my children afloat til then. I worry that I will miss his call due to my work schedule and that I will instead have to get second hand information instead from my inlaws. I've pretty much come to the decision that I will answer my phone, even if I am in with a patient, and politely excuse myself by telling them its my husband who is away with the military. Even if he isn't deployed overseas, they don't need to know that. And if work decides to fire me for using my phone, then I guess I just stop working a few months sooner than planned. These are fears I refuse to share with him because I want his head in the game while at basic and worrying about me will not help him or me for that matter.

I dread the first night in an empty bed that I have shared with him for nearly 6 years now. We have never slept apart since deciding to live together and I have grown use to having his warm body beside me... I'll miss our late night talks that we have every night, just laying in each others arms before falling asleep and sharing the highlights of the day with each other. I picture many sleepless nights staring at the ceiling wondering if he's doing well. I'm dreading dinner time, knowing that our family will be missing an important member for the next 3-9 months. I dread that the only interaction with adults I will have is at work...that my days off will be restricted to the conversational skills of my three and two year old.

I dread knowing I will not be able to see him while he's in tech school as much as I wish I could, but knowing that 1500 just in airfare for myself and three children for a weekend is out of my budget, not counting hotel and expenses. Or knowing that I will either have to drive to where he is or take a 56 hour train ride with the children in order to visit him for a weekend and knowing even then, visits will be few and far between.

I'm scared of the unknown. What base will we be stationed at and will housing have a huge waiting list. If so, how will we find housing prior to my loading my children to join him. I'm scared of the idea of having to find a hotel until I can find housing with three kids, a dog, and two cats. I'm scared of wondering if my horrible credit score due to my past marriage may affect him not getting security clearances needed for any job he wants.

But, I smile. Just as any military wife does. Inside I feel like I am dying... I'm temporarily losing my best friend. But I don't want him to know, again, I don't want him to worry. I'll put on my game face and pretend I am confident and count the days til this part of the journey is over.